Disclosure

At the start of a relationship

If you have HIV and are entering a relationship, think about how, where and when you broach the subject. Your HIV status may come as a surprise to your partner and they may be concerned, for themselves or for you. Be prepared with information, an open mind and a resilient attitude. Relationships are potentially vulnerable emotional spaces but it’s worth reminding yourself you are telling your partner about a virus you have, not revealing a terrible secret. If they do react badly maybe they need time to process things. Be forgiving and offer them a chance to come back with a better response.

If you are HIV negative and someone you are developing a relationship with tells you they have HIV, it would be normal to feel confused or surprised. You may feel anxious about your own safety and have legitimate questions about that, but it’s important to try and empathise with your partner who is doing something that’s probably difficult for them. Relationships are about caring for each other and facing challenges together. If this is someone you have genuine feelings for, then think about HIV as something you can face together.

Within a relationship

Some people suddenly find themselves facing HIV in their relationship because one person contracts the virus through sex outside the relationship.

In these situations, the person with HIV may face their own psychological and emotional challenges around diagnosis, quite apart from the issue of telling their partner. Next Steps is a resource that may help. It has been designed for people recently diagnosed with HIV.

How difficult it is to tell your partner may depend on whether you already had an agreement or understanding about the relationship being open. Regardless of the nature of any agreement, it is important that you disclose to your partner as soon as possible. There are measures you will need to take to avoid passing on HIV and, unless you are already regular condom users, it may be difficult to set these up without discussion.

While telling your partner may be difficult, they may also be your most important source of support. If you share your life with someone you love, supporting them through challenges is a fundamental aspect of any solid relationship. Likewise being told by your partner they have caught HIV may be a very difficult thing to hear. You may feel concerned about their health and wellbeing as well as your own. If the news also means they have breached a relationship agreement, of monogamy for example, there may be a range of issues you need to process as a couple. Psychological counselling, as a couple, may help. Support services listed on this site can help with referrals as can a General Practitioner.

Still single

If you are currently single and want to broaden your dating horizons think about how open you are to the idea of a relationship with a partner who has a different HIV status.

If you are HIV positive you may have experienced rejection or prejudice in sexual situations: unfortunately HIV positive gay men report it’s common. Being able to bounce back and recognise prejudice is the issue not HIV might help you stay open to better experiences in the future. Having supportive friends you can debrief with is also important. Many HIV positive men find it easier to disclose their HIV status online, on their profiles, or to use sites and apps that are more inclusive of HIV positive guys. If you choose this open approach, it may also be worth stating you are open to dating negative guys so people don’t assume you rule them out. The Institute of Many is an online community for people with HIV and welcomes discussions about sex and dating.

If you are HIV negative and would like to broaden your experience of dating guys with HIV, consider whether you have any buried assumptions that might get in the way. If you are fearful of HIV you might want to brush up on the latest prevention knowledge because there are a number of highly effective ways to protect against HIV. If you haven’t ever talked with someone who has HIV then think about how to approach the topic sensitively because for most people it’s a very personal issue. But also don’t be afraid to ask questions that show respect and care.